Moving2Ecuador

It is January 31 and in five months I will be leaving my life here in Baltimore and moving to Ecuador. I am not sure this change feels real to me yet. I feel panicky. How can I organize my house and ready it for sale, how can I say goodbye to all my patients and transition them to a new psychiatrist, how can I take care of the myriad of tasks necessary to make this happen. My panic escalates. I am overwhelmed. I have not wanted to face selling the house. Not having a home to return to frightens me. I feel my heart rate increase as I write these words. I have been hoping for some sort of miracle so I do not have to face this. I buy lottery tickets when I remember to, of course I am aware that the chance of winning millions of dollars is infintisimally small. My husband is more practical. He works with the numbers on a spreadsheet and the answer is obvious...we must sell to make the year in Ecuador possible. I remind myself that we have been talking about downsizing for the past two year...

Several months ago I learned my intolerable back pain was caused by the loss of a disc at L5-S1 and that surgery was a matter of not if but when. When it appeared that surgery was my only choice, I discovered that the pain was in fact tolerable and I was compelled to look for alternative ways to manage my pain. I tried yoga, and found that when I was consistent with yoga practice, I felt better and could be more active. I began going to a very intense power yoga class close to my work and have been addicted to the class ever since. My yoga instructor is Sid, his studio is donation based, and the yoga he teaches is tough and exhausting and I feel wonderful after a class. It is hot yoga, and the room starts out hot and with the sweating bodies the heat increases as the class progresses. After several months, I am still a beginner, but am impressed with what my body can do and how it improves each week. I am inspired by Sid, not only because of how he can coax my body to do unimaginable c...

Pippi is still dying. I have decided not to hasten his death. He eats and poops and walks upstairs and wags his tail when I come home. When he walked outside yesterday he and rolled in the snow and expressed so much joy, so I feel reassured about my decision. I really had no idea what to do when I came home from Ecuador. The dog-sitter had arranged for him to be euthanized the day after I arrived. My oldest daughter was horrified that I would even consider such a thing, and wanted to see him and spend some time with him before he dies. I canceled the appointment with the vet and started asking questions. I learned that I am not a dog person. I have two dogs and I enjoy their company, but I do not sleep with the dogs or spend a significant amount of time attending to them. I feed them, I let them out, I feel comforted by their presence, but I pay a limited amount of attention to them. I am incredibly lucky to have two kind and gentle and loving dogs. Elmer chewed alot until about six mo...

I love snow, I love watching it fall, I love when the ground is covered with snow. And I welcome snowstorms. It is amusing to be in Baltimore during a snowstorm, when the city shuts down and the schools are off and businesses closed. My car was frozen this morning. It was covered with ice several millimeters thick so that I could not scrape the ice off the windows. I warmed up the car and waited, unable to see out the windows for 45 minutes. I believe that my Prius does not really warm up like the usual sort of car....finally I could scrape off the ice chunks and drive. The roads were empty, slippery, icy, treacherous, but driving slowly and deliberately works. I chose roads without hills so I took the longer way to my office. I stopped at Starbucks for my triple macchiato and when I returned to the car, the door was frozen shut. I panicked for a moment wondering what I would do if I could not get the door open. The coffee warmed me up, and I arrived at my office to find that half my p...

I realized after I wrote yesterday that I was struggling with my own sense of place. I have lived my adult life in a country in which I am a foreigner. When I flew in from Quito through Miami, I endured three hours in immigration, almost missing my flight with the students back to Baltimore. I have become very familiar with the alien experience in the United States, especially since 9/11. Of course growing up Canadian is different but not so different from growing up American. But then, growing up in Canada was for me an alien experience as well. My parents came to Canada from Germany and Italy in 1956, and embraced the Canadian experience fully. When I was five we moved to Italy for only a few years, but returning to Canada afterward was awkward for me and my sisters. I never truly felt Canadian, so it was not difficult to move to Southern California and then to Salt Lake City. I blended in without effort, but was always a foreigner. I have a Canadian passport, but I do not feel Canad...

What struck me during this visit to Ecuador was the pride expressed by so many Ecuadorians. Erika was struggling with her plan to study in Syracuse for her Masters degree. This is something that she had devoted much time and effort to organize and is advantageous for her career. But leaving Ecuador for any length of time is difficult for her. She will miss her family, and her boyfriend has a position at another university in Ohio or somewhere else in the midwest. Erika plans to take her dog with her (when she stayed with us last year to work with Eric, she missed her dog most of all). When we visited the Capilla de Hombre in Quito with Erika and her family, Erika began to cry, and soon her mother was crying too. The painful images of Guayasamin evoked so much sadness, I was feeling the weight of so much despair and I wanted to cry too . I asked Erika what was going on and her response was that she will miss her country, that she really does not want to be anywhere else but in Ecuador, ...

I was struggling with finishing my lecture on the Incas, so Eric suggested that I talk about 'synchretism', the merging of  disparate cultures, and that there are no heroes in the story or the conquest. I talked about sychncretism in the review of pre-Columbian Ecuador too, in an effort to describe the melding of pre-Inca and Inca cultures. During this recent visit to Ecuador, heroes appeared regularly. There is Ruiminahui, the Inca general who refused to surrender to the Spanish and hid the Inca gold so well, it was never found. He razed Quito to prevent the Spaniards from taking the city. I remember when he was immortalized on the 1000 sucre bill, and there are several statues of him, with his proud and grim 'stoneface'. I believe the Ecuadorians remain fiercely proud of his resistance to the Spanish conquest and his success in holding them off in Quito. When he burned Quito to the ground, he also killed all those who chose not to escape with him. The legend is that h...

Something has changed about the way Ecuadorians perceive themselves, or at least present themselves. It is easy to think of the biggest empire of South America when one thinks of Ecuador. I  chose to lecture on the Incas and the Conquistadors for the course, because their story was exciting and compelling and accessible. I added the pre-Inca history and cultures this year, and it is interesting that during this trip, I heard from Ecuadorians repeatedly, that the history of Ecuador started over 10,000 years before the Incas ruled for less than a hundred years, that the soul of Ecuador is and was established long before the Inca came. Twice I heard stated with pride and irritation that the Quichua in Ecuador was quite different than the Quechua in Peru, that it was older and more pure in some way and defined a different people. This despite the fact that the Incas established Quechua (or Quichua) as the lingua franca of the empire. It was exciting reading and learning about the many prec...

The first time I visited the jungle, Eric and I spent a day in the jungle with Ernesto, a specialist in medicinal plants. The Amazonian Indians found treatments and cures for most of their ailments in the jungle. We could not walk far without encountering several treatment options. At the time, I took photographs and Eric took notes, but we never coordinated the photos and the notes, so when we return, we must try again, and take it far more seriously. I was impressed with the broad range of treatments available to the natives. Cruz Caspi is the tree which is used as a contraceptive, and can sterilize a woman for a year with as little as two cups of tea for three days. Garlic Vine is used to cure symptoms of colds and the flu. Dragon's blood treats cuts, burns, spots, fungal infections ulcers and bleeding gums. Chiri caspi is used to ease post-natal pains and toothaches. Chuchuwaso treats arthritic pains. Wild Cocoa is used as an antidote against bites of the fer-de-lance. Cat'...

I need to remind myself that this is an adventure, a choice that I have made and an experience that will prove to be life altering. I do not want my fears to overwhelm me. The greatest fear is being disconnected from all that I know, of losing myself and not being able to come back to the life I know. Not that I necessarily want to return to my life. I look forward to change and moving on. I have worked as a psychiatrist for twenty-five years. I have seen patients every day, have listened to their stories, tried to find solutions, felt their joy and their despair, rejoiced and commiserated, and never tired of it. I am finding it difficult to let these people go, I am holding on... I need to tell all my patients of my impending departure, I am compelled to find them a new physician so they will not feel abandoned, and am pleased to have found a nurse practitioner who will be a good fit for many. I hope that the transition will go well, I am not anticipating too much difficulty, I have l...

I am unaccustomed to putting my toilet paper in the toilet. It lands there and I pause, confused and feeling guilty. Was I supposed to put it in the toilet? So much toilet paper, will the toilet plug? Odd how just two weeks in Ecuador has affected my bathroom routine. I am hoping the experience trains me to use less paper. I have no trouble using tap water to brush my teeth. I kept forgetting to use bottled water to brush my teeth in Ecuador and just automatically brushed them the usual way, only to stop halfway through and realize my mistake and then just decide to finish, thinking it was too late to do anything about it. And no matter that I resolved to use bottled water the next time, I would find myself with toothpaste in my mouth before I'd remember. Sometimes, the only water I would find in a bottle was mineral water 'con gaz', and I discovered how delicious brushing teeth with bubbly water could be. I cannot imagine spending a year using bottled water for my toilet a...

Home again. My dog is dying. He had an appointment today to be euthanized( his dogsitter felt that he was deteriorating and it was advisable to put him out of his misery), but I could not go through with it. I am not ready, my daughters are not ready. We will spend some days saying good-bye and spoiling him and loving him, and make a decision when we are ready. He looks unwell, but he is happy to see us, and he still eats and sleeps and goes outside and cuddles with us. I am not sure how one decides these things. When is it the right time to ease a dog of his suffering? Pippi is an integral part of our lives. Twelve years is a long time. He has been an extraordinarily easy dog to have. He was eight weeks old when he became Tara's dog. He spent the first several months of his life in my office in a crate under my desk. He accustomed himself to my patients and mostly they enjoyed his presence. I recall vividly his wildly wagging tail when I took the leash out to walk him. He liked wa...

I slept about two and a half hours last night!!!! And I am still awake, catching up with news and everything I have missed these past two weeks. Today is Martin Luther King Day and the night before Inauguration Day. I missed a dynamic concert at Lincoln Memorial in DC and am enjoying the music and all the excitement about this momentous occasion via HBO. I wonder if I would have attended the event if I had the chance. Many people from Baltimore are traveling to DC tomorrow to join the celebration. Maya's school day is canceled to mark the occasion. I had hoped to sleep during the plane ride today, but Maya was awake and energetic and busy. The trip was complicated by a three hour visit to immigration in Miami. My green card was stolen four or five years ago and someone else must be using it and the authorities need to check that I am legitimate. What I do not understand is why they do not catch the person using my card unlawfully and record permanently that with my fingerprints and...

I was worried because one of the students had not enjoyed yesterday. I was not sure how to make his last day interesting. We started off with a walk to over 10,000 feet to Cuicocha, which is a lake in the center of a volcano. The two islands in the middle of the lake look like guinea pigs. There is no life in the lake, but around the lake live spectacled bears and condors, but we saw neither during our walk and wander around the park. Imbabura and Cotacachi were somewhat visible and improved in visibility throughout the day. The weather actually became more and more clear and warm as the day progressed. We checked out guinea pig on a stick a the side of the road. Guinea pig is expensive and not eaten that much. No one in the group wanted to taste any. We stopped by Cotocachi, which specialized in leather goods. I wanted to shop more but did not. I take too long to decide what to buy, so I am not particularly successful, but I did find a interesting case for my computer! The highlight ...

I loved having yoghurt, fruit and granola for breakfast, I feel so healthy! We drove to the animal market today and I found myself fascinated by the faces of the local people. I tried to photograph them without offending them and ended up with many profiles and backsides. Maya was upset watching the animals being sold. There were cows and pigs in abundance. One pig was particularly large, with a body as big as a cow but with short legs. Chickens at all ages, kittens, puppies, guinea pigs (they eat guinea pigs!) were bought and sold. The students did not much like the animal market. Our next stop was Plaza de Ponchos, with the artisan stalls. The students were much happier shopping and bargaining. Maya bought gifts for several of her friends, but Eric and I have been at the market so often, it is difficult to get excited about buying anything. When we returned to the bus, three young women joined us and sang Quichua songs. One of the girls was the same one who sang for us last year, but...

Benny gave us the address of the Capuchines in Quito, apparently they have all the info on the local cultures etc. Milagros Aguirre Tel: 084255817 Calle Nicolas Lopez Oe3-157 (entre la Prensa y Brasil) Quito Tel (02) 2257689 Eric woke me up when he came in at 3 AM. He could not fit into the bed and wanted to move all the luggage off one of the beds so he could sleep. I could not go to sleep after that and later the door to the porch swung open and I could feel the breeze. At 5:30 or so the howlers started with their throaty roars. Our neighbours started talking, later I learned that they found a large spider in their room. We had an early wake-up call, a quick breakfast and off to the canoes, a walk to the Napo and a two hour motorboat ride back to Coca. The early morning mist was rising over the river and the atmosphere was romantic. I listened to music that Tara had downloaded onto my iphone and cried a lot, which is what happens when I listen to music from the past. The guides at th...

It was raining cats and dogs, or perhaps howlers and jaguars, when we set out this morning. And then it rained harder. When we got to the metal towers, the rain let up significantly, so we were able to see many of the usual birds known at Sacha. Efraim and Ivan started immediately. We climbed the 120 feet to the first tower, stayed briefly, and then moved across the bridge to the middle tower. The scope was out and the crimson- headed woodpecker was the first sighting. Toucans, both many-banded and the larger species, were frequent sightings. There were beautiful parrots, always in pairs and flying from tree to tree. A stubborn spangled cotinga in brilliant blue modeled for us on a branch nearby. We saw howlers far in the distance. Two nun birds landed on a wire and stayed for a while. Trogons and kites and vultures appeared. The list got longer and longer. We were harassed by bees that did not sting but buzzed around us and would not leave. Efraim kept killing them, but more and more...

6 AM wake up call. It was raining much of the night. The sounds are wonderful in the morning. More frogs and crickets and birds too. The birding group was to go to the tower earlier, but the rain kept them in bed a little longer. Maya and I were off with our group by 7, and by then the rain was lessening. I like the forest after it has rained, it feels fresh and clean and the bugs seem to be scarce. I put loads of 100% DEET anyway, but I am much less worried about bugs this time, I am not sure why, but I am spraying less often than I have in former years. We start our walk behind the lodge and first off, one of the guides has a small boa constrictor wrapped around his forearm…the snake is beautiful and shaking in fear. Sometimes it feels as if our hikes are a magic show, and the native guides keep pulling rabbits or frogs or snakes or monos out of their hats for us to admire. They know where the animals are and make it seem as if all is by chance, but in fact it is all well rehearsed f...

I love listening to the sound of the jungle at night. I cannot identify the various noises. I believe the frogs are very vocal, as are the cicadas. The birds are asleep. It is surprisingly noisy, especially if you close your eyes. We arrived at Sacha Lodge at dusk. A short plane ride from Quito at 9000 feet to Coca ( San Francisco de Orellana) at sea level, then a two hour motorized canoe jaunt down the Napo River, and a 30 minute walk through secondary forest, led us to Pilchicocha, another short canoe ride, and Sacha Lodge. The last part is breathtaking, even after having been here several times before. We climb into the canoe and float through a narrow inlet with hyacinths and orchids on either side. This opens up to the lake and if it is late in the day and if we are lucky, the howler monkeys are howling, a low growl that sounds like a machine in the distance. We did not hear the monkeys when we arrived, but they did start howling an hour or so later. All around the lake, the grass...

I have been driving around Quito for five days. I bought a map and have started to pencil in the places I have been in an effort to familiarize myself with the city. The city is very long and narrow, sandwiched in a valley with huge mountains enveloping it. The peaks are shrouded in clouds. There are days when the sky is clear and the tops of the mountains are visible. That has not happened this trip. Many of these mountains are active volcanoes and have rumbled over the years. Guayasamin painted some views of Quito. The most remarkable picture reveals a sleepy sprawling town oppressed by mountains and menaced by red flames, red sky, red clouds. Beautiful and unsettling. I worry about earthquakes and volcanoes spewing and being unable to flee. I imagine Pompeii and Vesuvius and being covered in ash. The apartments I was looking at were all in tall buildings. I asked about fire alarms and there were none. I asked about earthquake safe technology and all I got was blank looks. I asked ab...

Guayasamin is an Ecuadorian artist who was born in 1919 and died in 1999. I have seen some of his works at a small museum in DC and have encountered lots and lots of copies  of his paintings in the markets in Quito and Otovalo, However I was unprepared for the emotional impact of his original work at the Capilla del Hombre. He grew up poor and his paintings capture the misery and anguish of the disadvantaged.  So much pain. Erika, the girl I am staying with, was in tears. She was thinking of next year when she will be studying in Syracuse, New York, and will be away from her family and all that is familiar. Her mother was in tears too, anticipating her very lonely house next year, when both Erika and her sister will be studying in the States. I found myself just feeling the sadness of the paintings and of the people I was with. Maya was oblivious and was just eager to eat. We ate Japanese food. It was the first time my host, Isabel, ate with chopsticks and she did not struggle at all. ...

Today was a gorgeous sunny day in Quito. The sky was blue, the mountains were visible all around the valley, it was warm and inviting. The weather is unpredictable here. I never know what to wear. I always have several layers with me and I am constantly adding and removing layers, feeling cold, then too warm, opening the window of the car and then hastily closing it. Over the last few days there has been rain, sun, mist, cold and wind, each alternating with the other.  I worked on recognizing the origin of people selling things on the street. Most are from Otovalo, wearing long black or dark blue skirts with one pleat on the side and a white underskirt. Cuenca women wear a shorter pleated dark skirt and wear felt hats, which the Otovalenos don't. I want to return to the museum at the Mitad del Mundo, which has an exhibit of each indigenous group and their traditional attire. It is remarkable that the indigenous people still wear their individual identifying costume. I learned today...

The students woke up early to catch a plane to the Galapagos. I wish we were going with them. Staying in Quito and looking for schools and apartments is not proving to be much fun. Our school search is complicated. There are wonderful schools, but the focus is mostly about teaching the children to speak English. I want Maya to learn Spanish, so that narrows the choice down, but none of the schools I have visited is quite right. Of course that is no different at home in Baltimore. I guess I just want everything to be easy. I have decided where to live -- an area called Gonzales Suarez. I believe it is convenient to both universities (I will try to get a teaching position at San Francisco de Quito and my husband is at PUCE-- I am not sure what that stands for but one of the words is Catolica). I am trying to imagine myself living here. It feels so foreign and I am entirely out of place. I look like a gringo and will always look like a gringo, even when my Spanish is better. Maya will do ...

It was school visiting day today. Public schools are not an option because they are crowded and will not meet my daughter's needs. I am insisting that she is immersed in Spanish. Unfortunately the good schools here focus on English language education and most classes are taught in English. So that narrows things down. More schools tomorrow. Maya will need to be tested to determine which level she will be enrolled in. Imagine, the schools invariably do not think much of American education and are suggesting she will have to go back a grade or two!!!!! The students had a more interesting day. The museum at the Banco Central is full of Pre-Columbian and Incan pieces, so it was a good introduction to Ecuador.. They walked through the old town and visited all the amazing churches. We met for a yummy lunch at the 'Bambu' Restaurant and the group then visited CENIT, the charity which the course is connected to. The students brought gifts and a phamacy I work closely with sent alon...

Such a long day. Finally at our hotel, the Sierra Madre, in Quito. Exhausted. A rather uneventful day...waiting in buses, planes, airports, custom lines, baggage claims. Of course a bag was lost, that happens every year. So far no passports misplaced, no students forgotten. Everyone is enthusiastic and excited. We will tour Quito tomorrow with the students, but my husband and daughter and I will also visit a school, check out the music conservatory and the ballet school, visit areas and appartments, and see a lawyer. We have more schools to visit Friday.... and when the students fly to the Galapagos, I will remain in Quito the three days to further explore and plan for our eventual life in this country. I am not sure this move is quite real to me. I am not ready to leave my life behind. I am going along with this. I wonder when it will feel tangible and certain.