Moving2Ecuador

It was the last day in the office except that one patient and then another could not make it today and are coming tomorrow. I try to be calm and supportive but inside I am agitated and find it painful to say goodbye, to firmly end the relationships, at least for now. I have to fight the urge to offer an appointment next week, a final visit when I am no longer here. I have to terminate, say my final goodbye, let go. The office is spare, some of the plants are at Daphne's house. There are pesky gnats that appear and one of my patients informs me that I need to use a non toxic pesticide, but I don't remember the name. She has been unemployed for a year and I do not have the heart to ask her to pay for her session. She has not paid her mortgage for a year and may lose her house and she is almost the last person I see today, in my practice, in this chapter of my career, my life. I avoid sending people to collections. Most patients pay their bills regularly. I add up the $6825 of un...

Eric picked Tara up in Manhattan on his way from Woods Hole to Baltimore, arrived early in the morning, and when we woke up, we all drove to DC to visit the Ecuadorian embassy and get our visas. It took only a few hours, and there was little time to detour to K street for Thai food and smoothies and get back on the road in time for violin and ballet lessons and dinner and a movie for Daphne, Tara and myself. Eric napped to prepare for his drive back to Woods Hole. Our lives are complicated by another glitch. Eric's 1998 Subaru Forrester has been failing, and after a short visit this morning to the mechanic, it is undriveable without significant and expensive repairs, which we cannot afford at this time. We have to decide what to do with a terminally ill car. Eric will drive my car to Woods Hole and back, which is not good for my car. I love my Prius for its great gas mileage and I take care of it and keep it clean; with Eric driving, it will be as if a tornado whirled around inside...

More tears today. They started before I arrived at the opthalmologist for an eye exam. My pupils were as big as my iris for the rest of the day, which made me feel whoozy and unsettled. I was afraid to drive, and spent more time in my office finishing up paperwork. It appears that I am having huge difficulties letting go. I want to leave my office in absolutely perfect shape! When I picked Maya up after a day of swimming, her eyes were red and tearful too. Perhaps it was the chlorine, but she too has been overly sensitive these past few days. We said goodbye to the Benichous this morning. Daphne drove Julien and the children to Newark to catch a plane to Stockholm for an eight hour layover and then on to Barcelona, which is only three hours from their place in Provence, or actually it is Languedoc, which Julien makes a point of. We had planned to visit them when we were in Paris last summer, but could not drag ourselves from the City of Light and the train fares were frightfully expen...

I wonder if the stress of the last few months will truly translate into something positive. So much anxiety, so little sleep, not much fun. I am feeling defeated today. I never imagined that my life would be on hold for four months, that so much energy would be devoted to packing and organizing and leaving, and that I would feel so deprived. Whenever I have felt overwhelmed, Eric has reassured me, encouraged me to look forward, that our year away would make it all worth it, but I am not always convinced. I have had to work so hard, give up so much, stress so much, hurt so much. I want a vacation! And I am not sure that Ecuador will be a vacation. It will be an interesting experience, and adventure some of the time, but not a vacation. I am not sure what to expect from our year away. I fought tears today. Driving the car brings me to tears, watching Maya participate in my ballet class makes me tearful, learning from my doctor that my LDL cholesterol necessitated medication treatment pu...

I was ready to take a plane to Providence today to meet Eric and spend a few last days in Woods Hole, but Eric is driving down Wednesday to procure THE VISA. His criminal background check came back negative (no surprise!) as did his HIV test (ditto). We all have passport photos (I rushed Maya to the UPS store to get hers this morning), and I have to talk to my doctor tomorrow to get the results of the HIV test and my letter attesting to my good health. Presumably my criminal background check will arrive in a day or two, but I am not sure that is necessary for the visa. Eric will drive to the Ecuadorian Embassy with papers in hand and my understanding is that he will have our visa in his hands within a few hours and drive immediately back to Woods Hole to finish up his course, pack up and return to Baltimore. He is far more calm about driving the long distances; I am beginning to feel relieved that I will not be driving all the way to Florida. We have tickets to Miami for next Wednesday...

It is so much more difficult to leave. We were planning to drive to Woods Hole this afternoon, but it will be the last time we see Belina, Marius and Julien, who are all flying to France on Wednesday, and we expect to be back from Cape Cod after they leave. Maya spent the night with her friend Sarah, and when I came to pick her up she was furious that she did not have enough time to play. This could just be the usual kind of reaction from her, except that everything is different now, and these are the last moments she has with what is familiar. I asked Maya where she wanted to have a going away party with her friends, and she insisted that it had to be at her house, our home that is no longer ours, that belongs to our renters, that is not possible to visit. I asked again and got the same answer and the third time was no different. I am trying to organize a 'good-bye' event next Friday for Maya, but most of her friends are out of town. We are halfway gone anyway, having spent so...

I am still trying to figure out how to live without income and how to make decisions that are reasonable and make sense. I tell myself I cannot spend money because I am not making any money, and I had better get accustomed to living with less. I believe I have been working toward this for months, but I am not very good at it. I have been using my debit card exclusively, so I know where my money is going day to day. When patients pay me cash, I do not deposit the money and try to keep track about where it disappears to. I went shopping at Marshalls today. I am looking for three large duffel bags that roll, but have yet to find what I envision will work for us and may have to modify my expectations. I found all sorts of clothes for Maya and myself, but as I approached the cashier, I realized that I did not need everything I had chosen and, feeling guilty, I brought the buggy to the service desk and informed the clerk that I had changed my mind and would not buy anything. I scooted out of...

Most days, I am not scared of my patients. I understand they are troubled or struggling or suffering and 'there but for the grace of God go I', so I try not to be judgmental, and to find a way to be helpful, or at least not hurtful. I have been challenged this past year by a patient who has been unable to follow the usual and customary rules of engagement between therapist and patient. I have consistently set boundaries which she has ignored and transgressed. I respond to her pleas for attention and concern, and because of her make-up, I have tried not to abandon her, but to stay steady and supportive and relevant. I have answered her phone calls at all hours of the night and day, I have given her more time and attention and focus than all of my other patients combined and whatever I give is never enough or even adequate. She wants to be my whole world, and I cannot give her what she wants or needs. She showed up at my front porch one day last month, which is unquestionably una...

My internist Dr. Anjaria, is very unusual for a doctor today. He is the only physician I have known who truly wants to talk about and learn everything about his patients, and tell them as much about himself and his life (except for psychiatrists of course!). I had an appointment at 11 AM today, and I had waited four months for the appointment, but today's visit was necessary for the Visa to Ecuador. I want to tell Dr. Anjaria to hurry up and finish, but he is not one to be rushed; everything in its own time. He struggles with entering everything on the computer for the electronic medical record and complains that it is a pain and requires an inordinate amount of time. Except that prescriptions are easily documented and ordered. I watched him carefully enter into the computer with one index finger all my answers to his questions. I wanted to stop saying anything so he would just get on with it. And this went on for an hour, despite there being very little that was of concern. I need...

My heart continues to pound, I am aware that my stress level keeps rising. I am plugging away at my 'to do'list, and I believe I am moving forward, but the more I accomplish, the longer the list appears. There are so many ways that I am incredibly lucky. I had dinner with Rina and her family. She is the psychiatrist who is taking over my patients at one of my offices. She has three lovely daughters and an entertaining husband. I met her and her husband at Petit Louis a few weeks ago, and this time Maya came to meet two of her daughters, Chrysalis, 16 and Caroline, 8. Maya immediately connected with Chris, who came in her dance clothes after a day at dance camp at Towson University. Caroline and Maya shared a steak together, I talked shop with Rina and her husband, who is also a psychiatrist, and Sharon sat between the children, entertained by their chatter. We celebrated the smooth transition of my practice. Rina is kind and capable and I trust her to take good care fo my pati...

We are waiting for our visas to come through. I woke up early yesterday to get to the crime lab and stand in line for fingerprints and my criminal background check, I had my visa photos, which were horrible but not intolerable, and on Thursday I do the physical exam and HIV testing. When the criminal background check/fingerprints come through, Eric will fly from Woods Hole, pick up the materials, and visit the Ecuadorian embassy is DC. Assuming that there will not be any glitches, we will make it for our flight on August 5. We will not longer be moving to Ecuador, we will be LIVING in Ecuador. I am surrounded by piles of clothes and suitcases, but this time, the challenge is how to pack for a year away, being sure I have all I need, that I do not forget any vital items, that each of us carry just two times 50 pounds. I met with Kai to transfer all my belongings from Emily's house to Daphne and Julien's. I could not imagine living in the house with the alarm. Kai and his girlfri...

I am sure that one day I will joke about today, but for hours now, my heart is racing, I cannot sleep, and I am acutely aware of the sound of the crickets, and the cars driving by, and the air moving gently. I went to my friend Emily's house today. Emily is in Australia and generously offered her house to stay in whlie she is gone. I had dropped off my suitcases and a large box of paperwork Sunday, and planned to stay there and wade through the momentous project of finishing up my billing from the office and filing everything else, interspersed with the onerous task of packing and organizing our suitcases for the year long sojourn in Ecuador. Staying with Daphne and Julien is wonderful, but there is too much going on there to get much accomplished. I thought I had found the perfect solution. Maya could stay with her friends or come with me. I was very thankful that she decided to stay and play with Belina for the evening. I had met with Kai, the young man who was taking care of the...

It is time for the homestretch. Every day this week is devoted to details regarding our move to Ecuador. I drop Maya off at ballet early in the morning and then drive to the east side of Baltimore for fingerprints and my criminal record. Not that I expect to have a criminal record, but for my visa I must prove that I am not dangerous. Later in the week I will have a physical exam and an HIV test to prove that I am not going to transport a communicable disease to Ecuador. Passport photos for Maya and me are also required. Once Eric get his information, he will have to fly to Baltimore to collect the materials and apply for his visa in DC. If there are any glitches, we do not get our visa and will have to delay our departure. We are doing everything last minute, which is the way that Eric likes to operate. No reason to do anything in a timely manner. Of course, it was my passport that was the problem, but it arrived two weeks ago, and the house preparation took precedence until this week...

I am trying to figure out how to live without an agenda. I need plans and places to go and deadlines to meet. How is it possible to live day to day without obligations? I am not doing well so far, in that I have an internal sense of not being where I should be or doing what I ought to be doing. I am staying with Daphne and Julien and their children Belina and Marius. Julien is a conductor and Daphne is a musician, and both have projects and 'gigs' and children to take care of. Today, I had errands and office obligations and a yoga class to get to, but when I rushed to the house to participate in an outing for the afternoon, time stood still for a while, and the children played while Julien sat and talked and had a cigarette and I showered and changed and waited. We left after a few hours and Julien went to the gym while the children and I wandered through Artscape, an annual three day art fair in downtown Baltimore. The place was incredibly crowded. I believe that the economy h...

Not working for a year means doing all the things I have wanted to do but have not had the time for. But perhaps I am also too old to do so many things I have held off on. Belly dancing for one. Maya and I arrived in Baltimore in time to watch Daphne and her bellydance troupe perform. Although I would love to learn to bellydance, I truly cannot imagine that I can. I was surprised to see the women in all their shapes and sizes being so unselfconscious. Or perhaps they were but were working hard to overcome shyness or discomfort. I love the music and the moves. I wonder if Maya or Tara will one day learn to dance this way. It is remarkably sensuous and daring, particularly considering that it originated in the Middle East. There is no doubt that women in Islamic culture have significant behavioural constraints; bellydancing doesn't quite fit. It is more likely that next year I will dance the salsa and the merengue and the cumbia. I will focus on the culture I am going to be living i...

Provincetown is at the very end of the cape, about two hours from Woods Hole. We drove through small town after small town, each with the characteristic architecture of Cape Cod, picturesque and charming. The area is quite populated, but I imagine this is the summer crowd, and that in the dead of winter, there are far fewer people. There are no parts that feel overbuilt; the building codes must be particularly strict. The sky was ominous, and when we arrived at the 'Flying'dock, we were warned about 30 mile an hour winds and possible raining and storms. We went sailing anyway, and it was wonderful! The sun only occasionally peeked out, but the wind was perfect, not too much, and with both sails out, we were booking! I do not want to think of getting older, so with the sound of the wind in my ears drowning out the awareness of all my mistakes and misteps of five decades, I could tolerate the day. Maya stood out front, hanging on to a rope, ready to slip into the waves. Eric is ...

We took the ferry across to Martha's vineyard today. It is a lovely place to visit, but I wonder sometimes, how it is that this particular spot has become such a tourist mecca, and that the real estate is so much more valuable than other places on the Cape. I now know what 'Cape Cod' style is, which is a perfect fit for the geography of the place. I always am curious when I see a 'Cape Cod' style in California or Salt Lake; here the style is prevalent, and suits the landscape. Yesterday I took a 22 mile bikeride from Woods Hole through Falmouth and beyond, passing cranberry fields, marshland with much bird-life (and bird-watchers), and more and more ocean and other bodies of water. The charm of Cape Cod is that it is not at all over developed, that at least around Falmouth and Woods Hole, the houses are modest and I like that there are no street lamps and that the vegetation appears to have taken over everywhere. It feels rural even if it is not. Woods Hole is full ...

Eric knocked on the side door of the cabin a little after 6 AM, and Maya and I were on the road to Boston before 7. I wasn't sure Maya would want to leave her friends, but she was happy to watch the rest of 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' and hardly noticed the intense traffic the last half of the trip. Eric had thankfully printed out instructions for me, so that we arrived at the Apple store just a few minutes late. I dropped Maya off at the entrance ('I am a big girl now, you can trust me!) with trepidation and found a parking spot a half block away. I was surprised that I was required to stay throughout the workshop, but was delighted to have my laptop and catch up with work and emails. And be introduced to Apple Heaven. I believe most Apple stores are designed in the same fashion. The front of the store is composed of three tall panes of glass reaching up to the sky (three stories). The inside of the store is bright with sunshine streaming in. The atmosphere i...

I am feeling sorry for Eric. My impression was that I had left the house in reasonably good shape on Saturday morning, that it would take a couple of hours to finish, the house cleaners would do their work and Eric would be back in Woods Hole in no time. Instead, he has been suffering and struggling, and has only just completed removing the last of our belongings, the renters are not happy with the state of the house, and Eric is exhausted and finally on his way. I am working to let go of my expectation (need?) to control all aspects of my life. I am here in Woods Hole, I cannot make anything happen in Baltimore, I cannot fix things for Eric, I have no choice but to trust him to manage there and let go. I certainly can question my decision to leave Saturday ( it would have been eminently more helpful for me to stay and help him finish up the house, and that was my inclination), but once I made the decision ( based on the data I had available, ie., that most of the work was done and Er...

This is my first day of freedom. I can to do whatever I want to (within reason). I slept well on the couch of my sister's apartment on Marlborough Street in Boston. I went to bed later than planned because American Express called to inform me that my card had been used fraudulently. I kept trying to get through and was put on hold for 30 minutes three times and finally gave up. When I called this morning, I learned that someone had used the card online and the fraud department had been alerted. I am not sure how that works. It turned out that someone had tried to buy teen clothes online for $150.00. My card was canceled automatically and I will get a new one next week. I wonder how they figured out that it was not me using it. I guess that is what is good about Amex. I told them I was moving to Ecuador for a year and they said that they did not need to know that. It rained all night, but the sound was soothing. The couch was super comfortable, and after we all watched the Tour de F...

I am out of my house for a year. It feels fine, ordinary, natural, right. I was up most of the night finishing up, and felt energized and focused until about 4:30AM. Eric's alarm woke me at 6:42. Of course, he had no problem sleeping longer, but I was up and had no choice but to get moving. I had no desire to do anything more in the house, and it looked as if it was fine for me to leave for Woods Hole. I had packed six suitcases, two small bags for Woods Hole and four larger ones for Ecuador. One of the Ecuador bags was full of books, so I will have to at least half that before we leave for Quito. I piled everything into the car and went to pick Maya up at Belina's. The best part of our move was getting rid of the bed. Eric has had this bed since college, and it is uncomfortable and has all sort of corners to damage oneself on. I have wanted a new bed for years, and a new bed has never been a priority. It has gradually lost several parts and is more and more dangerous. When we...

This is it! My last night in this house of mine. I will be up all night packing. I will make it, I think. What have I learned from this experience? NEVER pack up my house again. Hire a moving service. It is worth it. This was not the right choice. I have been using the most foul words I can remember to rage at my husband. What a nightmare. NEVER NEVER NEVER again. It is almost over, perhaps another ten hours or so! I expect to catch a flight to Cape Cod tomorrow. I had originally planned to spend the week of my birthday with Eric and relax before I return to Baltimore to complete all the last minute stuff that has to be done. But Eric will stay another couple of days in Baltimore to finish up details. Most of what I can do is done. We have cleaners (actually he is called the 'househusband-- how appropriate!) who arrive tomorrow at noon and everything will look wonderful for our renters who arrive Monday. Whew! The number of hours devoted to emptying out our house has been horrendou...

I could hardly sleep last night, in anticipation of the possibility of a wonderful discovery today. I had been slogging through boxes and bags of paper for weeks now. My closet had been full of every piece of paper that had come in the mail or from the office in the past fourteen years. I had not let go of anything, who knows why. These papers had accumulated and expanded and grown, until most of my walk in closet was packed and inaccessible ( the mice in the closet had kept me out of there for years, or so I said, or believed). I refused to throw anything out without looking through all the papers. While Eric was gone these past weeks, I sifted through almost a box a night and these past few days I have checked each of the remaining boxes. And finished last night. And found something that I may have been looking for. I had not specifically been looking for anything, I just knew that I did not want to throw anything out without checking first, just in case I found something that I may ...

I am making progress, trying to focus on one small area at a time and avert my gaze from the devastation that is my house, no longer my home, just a shell filled with boxes and extraneous junk, more like a huge dumpster filled with detritus. I try to imagine what an archeologist will find in three thousand years, and what he will conclude when he sifts through the remains. I believe we will be living a simpler life in the future and will not value consumption or accumulation or collection in the way that we have. Eric moves boxes. I pack them and they disappear. I do not want to know where they go or stress about their safety. I don't know if I will ever see what I have packed again, or if the boxes will survive their journey to the garage or the storage unit. I am trying not to control every part of the move, in fact I control nothing but what goes in the box. I am very aware that I must trust more, and let go of the hold these things have on me. I am holding onto the most valuabl...

My living room is huge without any furniture. I like it this way. Maya and her friend Sarah are using it as a ballet studio, reliving their day in dance camp (I hear Maya barking at her student!). Maya is now playing Bach on her violin while Sarah is dancing to the music. Perhaps we will make it into a music room/dance studio when we return from our year in Ecuador. It is astonishing that we can live with so little. Most rooms are empty except for boxes. We have one bed for Eric, Maya and I, but for tonight's sleepover, Sarah and Maya will sleep on a mattress in the empty living room. It will be the last sleepover in the house until we return next summer. I gave most of the food away, and packed up most of the dishes, so food is provided as finger food only. We will live a simple life in Ecuador, and I like having less around me. I have not been missing all my 'stuff'. I worry about not having books to read, but I find myself quite comfortable without the contents of a mass...

Back to my reality, back in Baltimore, cleaning, organizing, packing. Eric drove home from Woods Hole with his fish tanks and fish in his car. We all woke up early to drive to Boston to catch an early flight (Maya and I were lucky to get on standby at 8:30 and arrive at ballet camp only two hours late); Eric drove back to get the fish and pump their tanks full of oxygen so they would survive the journey back to the lab at Johns Hopkins. I started packing up the kitchen, and made progress, but then had friends over for dinner and by the time Eric arrived everything was topsy turvy and it was hardly noticeable that I had been working daily for weeks. I am not sure what planet I was on or why I chose to be so impractical. Why in the world would I have friends over and children tearing through my house when I am supposed to be getting ready for our renters? My silliness quotient increased dramatically when I prepared a fresh cherry pie and two key lime pies and the oven did not work so no...